Why do men always want to fix things and what can we do differently?
Photo by Jon Tyson.
“Sure, sure,” Carlos replied. “So, obviously, I’ve been upset with Luis [his middle-school aged grandson] for not respecting women. I set a goal last week of speaking to him about how to treat women. Last night we got our first ice cream of the year at this ancient hole-in-the-wall in Jackson Heights. I told him there was something serious I wanted to talk to him about. We talked for about an hour about women. I was open with him about my experiences and how his language [when talking to his mother and sister earlier] seemed disrespectful to me. I wanted to show him that women are more than the characters on television, in ads, or pictures and videos online—”
“By videos do you mean porn?” Army [the coach] interrupted and some of the men in the room laughed.
“Yes, porn,” Carlos continued. “Luis listened to what I said and then shared some of his own experiences with women and the girls in his class. For me, I was finally able to connect with Luis in a deep way. We’ve been close, but I felt like until last night we never shared a man-to-man conversation.”
“What do you think you created for Luis?” Army asked.
Carlos thought for a moment, his hands lying still in his lap for the first time since he began speaking.
“I bonded with him in a way he’s never experienced before. I let him see me and also gave him space to be fully expressed and seen by me with no judgment.”
- The Men’s Group, Draft One (2017)
Last night in The Arena Men’s Group that Coach Nick and I run, we spent about an hour of the session listening. Each man went around the metaphorical circle on Zoom and shared how he was doing. When everyone had shared, we went about the room a second time and shared again at a deeper level. There was no coaching, no advice, no perspective - just sharing.
After the session, several men mentioned how much they loved the session. We often get feedback like that after sessions, but last night was different. I could feel how much the men appreciated the simple act of sharing themselves and being shared with.
Men love to fix things. It’s a go-to. Usually when someone shares, several guys will jump in with advice, perspective, or coaching questions. To sit silently, to listen, to allow themselves to be seen, and also to give space for others to be seen is often challenging for men.
Women have often asked me why men default to fix-it mode when confronted with vulnerable shares. I’ve given it a lot of thought over the years, and my hypothesis is two-fold: 1) Men are hardwired to create safety and often associate fixing with creating safety. 2) Men fix as a way of avoiding sitting with the discomfort of vulnerability, uncertainty, and mess.
Disclaimer: While I notice this a lot with men, women also often jump into fix-it mode, so this is a broad generality not 100% accurate.
It’s my belief that jumping into fix-it mode before someone wants it is a selfish act. I know when I’ve done it, it’s because I’m uncomfortable sitting with uncertainty or something not being resolved. I want to fix it so that I’m no longer uncomfortable with the situation not because fixing is what the other person wants or needs. Often what people want is to sit with the discomfort. They want to share and be heard. They don’t want to share and be rushed to resolution. Listening creates psychological safety. Once the psychological safety has been created then it’s time to move on to “fixing” and creating “physical” safety.
So what can you do when someone is sharing and you feel compelled to fix it? Here are four opportunities:
Sit in silence with the other person and hold the space for them to be where they are.
Ask them, “how can I support you right now?” or “what do you want in this moment?”
Say, “tell me more,” and let the conversation evolve.
Connect with empathy and share what you’re feeling and how what they’ve shared is impacting you.
This is what Carlos has done for his grandson in the passage above. Instead of lecturing his grandson about something that concerned him, he opened up a conversation where both of them could be heard. When it comes to relationships, sex, and porn, creating the space to listen is even more important. This is an area where there is tremendous discomfort. Sitting with the discomfort, talking about what’s going on, and being vulnerable can have a tremendous impact in conversations around these topics, especially between boys and their father figures.
Peggy Orenstein, in her book Boys & Sex, wrote that of the boys she interviewed, almost all of them wished their fathers had more open conversations with them about relationships and sex. There is a huge opportunity for men to listen before fixing. It will create tremendously different relationships across the board.