What Halloween Costume are you still wearing from last night? Snippet #6

Yesterday was Halloween here in the United States. It used to be my favorite holiday as a kid. I’d spend weeks figuring out what I wanted to be. When I was little, my mom made my costumes. When I was in middle and high school, I took over. Sometime in college, I stopped getting excited about Halloween, but that didn’t mean I stopped wearing a Halloween Costume. 

In mine and Coach Nick’s novel about a fictional men’s group, one constant in the first two drafts was the exploration of the Halloween Costumes we all wear on a daily basis. These are the perspective and behaviors we put on as kids and young adults that we forgot to take off. We’ve all got them. They’ve helped us get where we are. A lot of times when I hear people talk about the masks they wear (and Halloween Costumes are masks), I hear people talking about getting rid of them and destroying them. In many ways, I think this mentally gives more power to our masks than it takes away. 

I don’t want to destroy my metaphorical Halloween Costumes, just like I don't want to destroy the physical ones my mom has kept from when I was a kid. I don’t wear them anymore, but they’re in a plastic bin in a closet in the home I grew up in. I can still honor and remember them. Likewise, the masks we wear helped us get where we are. They are not who we are, but they are a part of who we are. I think it’s important to recognize this, honor them, and be grateful for the aid they gave. That doesn’t mean continuing to wear them. It also doesn’t mean destroying them.

After all, you cannot destroy a part of who you are. You can only change your relationship with it.

Below is an excerpt from The Men’s Group, Draft Two when the coach of the group shares with the men about Halloween Costumes:

“Everything that happens to us when we’re kids remains with us,” Army [the coach and facilitator of the group] said. “Everything we observe and experience makes a mark. If you broke your arm at seven, the experience is still with you. It’s informed something about how you go about life. If your parents never held hands or kissed in front of you, that’s informed you too. Maybe you don’t hold your wife’s hand in front of your kids or, maybe, you hold it all the time. 

“All of these experiences and observations are what helped create the costume you’re wearing today. Yes, you’re all wearing some costume that you pretend is your true identity. Think of it like a Halloween Costume. It’s a manifestation of your Myth [the story you tell about who you are]. You might’ve heard other people call it a mask. It’s what you use to protect yourself and justify the choices you make, especially in your relationships. It’s what you’ve used to navigate through life, and it’s worked. It’s helped you survive. Excel. Even reach your goals.

“The thing is, it’s also obscuring your authentic self. You think it keeps you safe, just like holding onto the banana [a group inside joke and representation of the story we tell ourselves that we’re unwilling to let go of] does, but no matter how much we think our masks protect us, it’s actually our authentic selves that are the best havens. Your Halloween Costume stops you from connecting to other people and being vulnerable. We make it our business to curate who we show the world, to ensure that no one hurts us, no one judges us, and no one sees who we are behind our costumes. We do it because we think who we are is ugly. It’s not. It’s beautiful, and we hide away beneath our Halloween Costumes because we think someone might tell us otherwise.”

Jeffery [one of the men in the group] massaged his hands like he always did when he was nervous.

“It’s not a problem to put on a costume every once in a while,” Army continued, “but we wear our costumes every day. It’s like you woke up late for school the day after Halloween and went in your pirate outfit from the night before. Then you decided to wear it the next day too. Before you knew it, you were putting on that costume every day. You forgot who you were without it and think it’s who you are. It’s become part of you, like your hair, smile, and skin.”

Army looked around the room. Jeffery avoided his eyes.

“The thing is,” the coach continued, “when you wear something every day, it stinks. Just not to you. You get used to the smell. So everyone else smells something a little funky and they stay away. That’s why it costs you connection. It’s because you just keep on going, unaware that anything about you is off-putting. You probably even judge the people who don’t want to be around you. You blame them for it too instead of seeing that you’re the one pushing them away. You’re the one that smells.”

Army asked if this made sense. To Jeffery it was like he hired him to paint a portrait of his life. He nodded. A couple other men did too. No one said anything, though, and Army continued. He said that the costume works for a while until life changes. 

“You wouldn’t wear your gym shorts from third grade today, would you?” he asked. Damian and Chuck [two other men in the group] laughed.

“It’s the same with your costume. Like any outfit, you outgrow it. But instead of going out and buying a new one, you’re still wearing those same shorts. They’re barely covering anything, and the olds rags smell like a garbage pit. 

“It’s easy to see when I talk about shorts or a pirate costume, but as soon as I bring up your stories, I know you guys are going get all annoying and be unwilling to let go of them. You’re going to try to convince me, and everyone else, why you should be wearing those shorts from third grade. Remember that.”

Damian laughed and shook his head. 

“That’s right,” Army said, smiling at Damian. “You’re the king of this.”

“Got to be the best, man.”

“Now,” Army continued, after a short chuckle, “I don’t want you to get rid of your Halloween Costumes. They’re a part of you. You can keep those shorts or the pirate outfit in your closet. I want you to see what you’ve been wearing, so you can know if you’re putting on those old shorts or need to go to a sporting good’s store to get a new pair instead.” - The Men’s Group, Draft Two (2018)

What do you think of this? What Halloween Costumes have you been wearing since you were a kid?