Last night in The Arena Men’s Group that Coach Nick and I run, we spent about an hour of the session listening. Each man went around the metaphorical circle on Zoom and shared how he was doing. When everyone had shared, we went about the room a second time and shared again at a deeper level. There was no coaching, no advice, no perspective - just sharing.

After the session, several men mentioned how much they loved the session. We often get feedback like that after sessions, but last night was different. I could feel how much the men appreciated the simple act of sharing themselves and being shared with.

“I wish you were the kind of man who wanted to improve himself,” Cat [Darcy’s girlfriend who is breaking up with him] said while standing at the door of their Park Slope apartment. “Why are men so fixated on being right? Why can’t you just admit you’re wrong sometimes and ask for help? We’re all human. I want to want to be with you,” she shook her head, her shoulder length blond hair whipping about her face like wheat blowing in the wind, “but right now I don’t want to be with you. I wish you wanted to change. I wish you just tried!” - The Men’s Group, Draft One (2017)

Years ago, I sat in a Dudes of Disruption men’s group session when one of the guys asked a poignant question. I don’t remember why he asked it, though I presume someone was being resistant to the coaching. This man asked, “Are you committed to being right or are you committed to being happy?”

Yesterday was Halloween here in the United States. It used to be my favorite holiday as a kid. I’d spend weeks figuring out what I wanted to be. When I was little, my mom made my costumes. When I was in middle and high school, I took over. Sometime in college, I stopped getting excited about Halloween, but that didn’t mean I stopped wearing a Halloween Costume. 

In mine and Coach Nick’s novel about a fictional men’s group, one constant in the first two drafts was the exploration of the Halloween Costumes we all wear on a daily basis. These are the perspective and behaviors we put on as kids and young adults that we forgot to take off. We’ve all got them. They’ve helped us get where we are. A lot of times when I hear people talk about the masks they wear (and Halloween Costumes are masks), I hear people talking about getting rid of them and destroying them. In many ways, I think this mentally gives more power to our masks than it takes away…

“And your group is going to somehow miraculous cure me of my,” Darcy paused to think of the word, “listlessness?”

“Cure? Only you can cure your own problems,” Pat [his best friend] replied. “This men’s group, though, it can give you the tools to get at it, man. There’s no need to wallow in that pain.” - The Men’s Group, Draft One (2017)

***

“Darcy, I’ve known you a long time,” Pat continued to talk slowly, as if he measured each word before speaking. Darcy listened, trying to absorb Pat’s words but struggling to tune out the cacophony in his mind. “We do talk about important things. You’ve been here for me when I needed you most. But man, why do we only talk about important things when life’s really bad? We don’t talk about what’s going on in our lives when life’s good. We don’t talk about the little things that bother us, the things that pile up day after day until forming that life of crap. We don’t share our thoughts with each other. I want that for us.” - The Mens’ Group, Draft One (2017)

My first real foray into personal development work (after going through The Artist’s Way in 2014) was in a series of workshops in 2015. It was my first time questioning the beliefs I had about myself and the world, and it disrupted so much of how I saw everything…

“Darcy [the protagonist] was a thinker and constantly lived in his head. During any new situations, he scrolled through all the terrible outcomes that could manifest, rarely concentrating on the potentially positive. This kind of thinking paralyzed him. He would often delay for days before making a big decision, oftentimes waiting until outside forces forced him to make one choice or the other. He feared, above all, making the wrong choice. Darcy always wanted his choices to lead him along the right path.” - The Men’s Group, Draft One (2017)

“Darcy [the protagonist] felt ill at ease at the thought of spending the next two hours with a group of men he didn’t know. His heart beat at the speed of boiling water. His hands shook like they had the time he’d drank too many cappuccinos at a cafe in Seattle before breaking up with an auburn-haired beauty named Rhea. In his stomach there seemed to be a black hole sucking his insides into nothingness. This wasn’t a new feeling for Darcy. It was a familiar unease, the kind that made him want to run away.” - The Men’s Group, Draft One